Parenting Lessons -- Finding Our Way, Neck-Deep Into the Pre-Teen Years

Well, it's been awhile since I've talked about the challenges we've been having with communicating with our oldest son. My previous post was well over a month ago, although the obstacles we've come across have practically been daily.

Well, we did it! We decided together to seek guidance and talk with a family therapist. I scheduled an appointment with a doctor who came highly recommended from a close girlfriend of mine.

Paul and I went to meet with this therapist this morning and I am happy to say that the first session was fantastic. Having gone through therapy many years ago to help me deal with personal issues stemming from my own childhood, I am so much more in love with the man I spend my life with just knowing how he is so open to family therapy.  It shows his devotion to me and our family, his determination to be the best parent and partner, his confidence in the Man and Parent he already is, and just his understanding that many times it is a subjective eye that is able to provide the most helpful guidance.

We Get Homework Too!

Just some quick points we'll be working on to help improve our communication issues with Zack...

1. Lecture less.
   
   One of the issues we're having is that homework in the 6th grade has become more challenging for him, and the number of courses increases the amount of homework he has each night. I want to help him, but for various reasons many nights have ended late and with arguments. We have decided that he should go to study hall, which is an after-school option where he can spend some quiet time doing his homework and have a teacher available if he has questions. Well, convincing Zack to go to study hall has been tough. For every point we have for why we expect him to go, he has a point why he does not want or need to. The therapist pointed out that we do lecture him quite a bit. After explaining to her what we say to Zack, she said, "You know what he hears?" And she did the "Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah" mimic of the Charlie Brown teacher. Before we jump into the reasons why we expect him to go to study hall, she advised that we ...
   
   
2. Listen more.
   
   In the same scenario, it was easy to see why so many of our encounters with Zack result in arguments. It has constantly been a back and forth between him and us -- "You need to go to study hall because...", "Well, I can't go today because..." And, he is not hearing us. On the same note, we aren't letting him just talk. We're rebutting too quickly. It's also apparent now how this one fact likely plays a part in the reason why he does not communicate with us. Why should he? When he says something, we just rebut. So now, we'll be trying more to allow him more space to just explain whatever it is he has in his mind. Whether or not we agree, we need to let him completely have his stance.
   
   
3. Give him some carrots.
   
   We also determined that we have way to many consequences. For example, we'll threaten to take away his phone or his computer. Since so much of what he did suffered a consequence she asked, "What is his incentive to do anything that he doesn't want to do, that you want him to do?" Instead, after listening to everything he has to say about, for example, not having to go to study hall, our decision as his parents is that he has to go. So, instead of threatening to take something away (which in the end he doesn't really care that much about and actually just gives him reason to be mad at us), we should offer him a reward -- sort of like dangling a carrot in front of him. It should be something small, but it should be easy for us to figure out what he would really like. So, we decided that if he tries it out for a week that he and his best friend can walk up to the local frozen yogurt place, our treat. It's a taste of independence that he'll think is so cool.
   
   

My Smart Alec Other Half -- And, Other Things I Already Knew

When we left the therapist's building this morning, I asked Paul, "So, what did you think?"  He was so hilarious.

He said, "Well, she didn't say anything that I didn't already know.  The whole time I was thinking it's all your fault and I wanted to say, 'You know, I completely agree with everything you're saying. That's what I've been trying to tell Jamie this whole time.' But, I held myself back and didn't say anything."

Of course, he was joking and I'm glad we can still laugh at ourselves.  It will help us as we try to work out the things we need to focus on as we continue to raise, love, and (hopefully) still influence our growing son who is so wonderful -- but I already knew that. :)

Our Week-Long Family Christmas Celebration: Part II - It's Actually Happening, In Filipino Time

If you've ever known a Filipino family, you've likely heard the term "Filipino Time".  The concept of time is evidently impossible to grasp.  For one, you can never expect that anything will start at the time stated.  Usually, anywhere between two to three hours late is considered having made good time.  This Christmas, in my family's case, "Filipino Time" was not two or three hours late it was three days late.

Yes, while Paul's side of the family did celebrate Christmas Day with us and a good time was had by all, MY side of the family apparently decided that this Tuesday, December 28th, was a good day to show up.

I've known about my family's week-long visit and now they're here. For the most part, my mother is keeping to herself in the office/library where she's staying in and she's enjoying looking through many of the books in there.  She's only had one of her odd remarks.  Things are going pretty good without her -- the rest of us have played some fun Wii games together, the adults pulled out Balderdash and had a scream of a time laughing at everyone's answers, and the sun came out today and the kids had fun in the forest.  Tomorrow, if it's still warm, we're going to take the five minute walk down to Folsom Lake and let the kids throw rocks.

I thought I'd have a lot of fodder needing comic relief here on my blog due to my mother's week-long visit, but so far she's given me nothing.  That's alright, I guess.  I'll take my sanity.

Preparing for Our Week-Long Family Christmas Celebration, Part I: Mental Preparation

Without being overly disrespectful to the woman who gave me birth, this post is about my beginning preparations for this year's Christmas family celebration hosted by yours truly. These preparations include the fun of decorating our home (jungle-themed this year), deciding where adults and kids will sleep (we will stuff four families into our home), the joy of shopping for gifts, planning over a week's worth of menus, as well as the annual arrival into our home of my mother.

I've only been blogging for a month and a half and I have not had the chance yet to write about the woman in my life whose relationship with me in my first 17 years was of the utmost influence upon the growth of my self-esteem, the shaping of my outlook on life, and in so many ways even still the way I think about things. I don't think of my mother often, other than seldom and random escaping thoughts. She only lives an hour and a half away, which when you factor in California roads and traffic is actually not far, but as you can denote from my detached regard of her -- we are not close.

Every year around Christmas time, I am forced to consider her since my family and home hosts family Christmas and my mother arrives with one of my brothers. She will arrive with her air of negativity and "woe is me" way about her. The cloud that surrounds her will attempt to suffocate us all immediately, but will slowly diffuse after everyone has the chance to politely ask her how she is doing, to which she will answer with a gruff and sorrowful, "Ooooh ... things are o-kaaaayyyyy ... I guess." She'll sit on the couch for the majority of the week -- barely talking to anyone, glaring at my kids and all the cousins, and ordering my brothers to get something for her.

So, as I prepare for hosting Christmas, this post is simply a bit of a vent about my mental preparations for the week-long visit of my mother.

At brunch yesterday morning, my girlfriends said that at least I'll have some funny stories to tell about the comic relief I will be searching for within the nook and cranny of every moment during her holiday visit -- assisted by a well-stocked wine fridge.

How Could I Forget?, or More Proof I'm Getting Older

When I saw him for the first time, I still remember the birds chirping and wind blowing through my hair. I walked into the room and when he saw me, his eyes lit up like fireworks and we were the only two people on the planet. OK, not really but seriously it was exactly like that.

Fast forward to today -- Paul and our oldest son went to my dad's house to help him out with some stuff around his house. I stayed back with our two youngest kids. I did some work at home in the morning, then took the two kids out for some fun at the bookstore and a treat.

I was driving home listening to Stevie Nicks' You Never Promised Me a Rose Garden and it hit me ... both Paul and I have been so busy with our jobs and just with our day-to-day lives of raising the kids that we forgot that our 18-year anniversary was on Sunday, November 21st.

I'm. In. Shock. I'm not even disappointed that Paul forgot our anniversary, even though I did mention it three weeks ago on Halloween. I actually cannot believe that the date passed me by. Me ... the one who finds a reason to celebrate anything and everything.

It's more proof I'm getting older.

At our graduation from Saint Mary's College of California, we were babies!

It is our first anniversary, after 16 anniversaries prior, that was forgotten, so I won't let it be said that it was actually missed. This weekend, we have a date planned and just maybe we'll dream about our next 18 years.

Big Hair Was Cool, and Other Things I'll Talk to My Pre-Teen About

In my on-going endeavors to improve the lines of communication with my almost 12-year old son, and preceded by my previous post on the topic Parenting Lessons -- That's My Job, No One Else's, I did achieve a small victory.

A couple of days ago, Zach and I were sitting in his room and the topic of Paul's and my experience when we were younger came up. Zach became so interested that he kept asking questions. He laughed when I told him how Paul caused a grass fire on his school field, about the awful things I used to wear, as well as the height of my bangs (big hair was so in -- the bigger the better!). He kept asking question after question about what I did at school and after school...who I hung out with...did I go to concerts...did I have boyfriends (sure did! That would be Nick Rhodes from Duran Duran) -- he wanted to know about our lives when we were his age.

Not a good picture, but it's old and shows how I teased every last strand
of my super fine hair to achieve the biggest head of hair I could try to get

What a breakthrough! We were communicating, and Zach actually showed an interest. I let the conversation remain light and did not bring up the more pressing issues that I do eventually want to bring up. The talk we did manage to have, however, was a great beginning.

I still feel good about our talk and look forward to another. It's only a small victory in the process of improving the lines of communication. But hey, I'll take it!

Parenting Lessons -- That's My Job, No One Else's

My previous post, Parenting Lessons From My Parents... was very much a rant. I re-read it and know that it spurs from the frustration I'm finding with trying to open up the lines of communication with my oldest son who is in the 6th grade.

Two weeks ago, I found out that he is "going out" with someone. Now, I know that usually relationships between kids at his age entail sitting together at lunch and just the title that "We're boyfriend/girlfriend". However, I also know that some kids are maturing faster than was my experience, so I won't be naive and think that he's too young for "The Talk".

So, I asked Paul one day to take Zach to his soccer game. It was a 45 minute drive one way, so I knew there would be plenty of time for quality father/son talk. His task was to strike up conversation and hope that Zach would feel comfortable enough to share some details about his new girl pal or ask questions about girls in general. That evening, I was disappointed to find out that Paul got no information. In fact, Paul came away with the opinion that Zach wasn't ready for "The Talk" yet. Paul said, "Zach's a good kid. He'll make his own choices, and he'll make mistakes. But, he's a good kid. He'll figure it out".

When he said this, I felt a sense of helplessness that I am still grasping to get ahead of. It took a few days to realize it, but I feel like what Paul said is a version of my parent's parenting lesson. And thus, Friday's post.

I haven't completely figured out what the next steps will be. But, we're working on it. What I do know, is that I'm not leaving it up to luck, Zach "figuring it out", or divine intervention. We're the parents. It's our job to provide the lessons.

Parenting Lessons From My Parents: #1 Leave It Up to God

My parents left a lot of their parenting responsibilities to God. They never told me about the birds and the bees. I didn't know about menstruation until after I noticed blood in my pants and it was explained to me that I wasn't dying. (Even then, it was just a pad tossed my way and the advice to "Put it in your pants.") I didn't know anything about smoking, drinking, or drugs -- other than that I was told not to do them. Sex was never a subject, it was a taboo. I was simply told, "If you do __________ (fill in the blank), then you'll go to Hell."

Now that sounds like a useful parenting tool. Instead of telling my kids about the reasons for avoiding drugs and alcohol, waiting to date until they're older, and giving them information to help them build their set of values so that they can make their own choices (and sometimes mistakes), I can just tell them what to think and what they should not do or else their souls be lost to eternal damnation.

Well, if I believed in Hell, I'd say that that parenting lesson could go there.